I recently returned from two magical weeks home in Colorado, celebrating the holidays with my family and friends.
I squeezed my parents. I had conversations that were long overdue. I felt my best friend’s growing belly. I drank out of penis straws for my other best friend’s bachelorette party. I ate so much and drank so much. I cuddle my dog, and binged watched Real Housewives with my reluctant but willing brother. I took more showers than I needed to and soaked in the suds of a hot bath. For two weeks, it felt as though I had never been a Peace Corps Volunteer. Just as soon as I stepped off the plane, it felt like the past year and a half had been just a very vivid dream.
But as time creeped on, I could feel the anxiety begin to squeeze my chest. I knew soon I would be back on a plane to my reality. I was hoping I would feel better and more ready to leave, but to be honest, coming back was harder this time than last which caught me off guard. Being farther in my service and having spent more time at home, I was hoping to feel rejuvenated and ready to take on my last 10 months of service. Needless to say, I didn’t, at least not right away.
So when the day came to leave, I could feel the tension building. When I get anxious, I get irritable. I can barely talk to anyone without a sharpness in my voice. So I allowed myself to cry before my mom came home to take me the airport, but trying my best to do so quickly- I didn’t want my eyes to be puffy when she came to get me. I know that as hard as this was for me to leave, it is hard for my friends and family, too. I didn’t want my anxiety and doubts to make them have doubts of their own. However, in spite of the tears and anxiety, I still knew that going back was what I needed to do. I made a commitment, not only to Peace Corps but more importantly to my community members and myself. But it is hard, and there are days where I wish I hadn’t.
But even so, I got on the airplane and made my turbulent trip back to the island. Lucky, I was one of the last airplanes to leave Newark as most flights has been canceled due to the winter cyclone that pasted over the East Coast. It felt symbolic for how I was feeling- anxious and unsure- I even ran and puked in the stuffy, airplane bathroom while the seatbelt sign was on- for dramatic effect, obviously. My stomach was happy when we had our wings safely on Dominican ground.
But even through the turbulence and motion sickness, I made it back to the comfort of the familiar sounds and coastal views of the capital, the hostal room of the Bella Epoca and the familiar faces of my Peace Corps family. And just as quickly as I had forgotten, I remembered that my life was in fact here in the DR. My work, friends, my home- even if just for now- is in fact in this land that was once so foreign to me. That feeling sunk in. It feels good to be able to feel that now. Taking a few days to decompress with other volunteers just returning from the States, I could feel my anxiety slowly begin to dissipate.
Being home in Colorado allowed me time to reflect on these past 16 months- I think much of my anxiety around service stems from my unrealistic expectations Peace Corps but mostly I have put on myself and the way I envisioned success in my service. (My dear friend, Tessy, helped me realize this. Thanks, boo boo!) I know I view success from a very narrow-minded, American, capitalistic perspective. I want to see results. I want to see numbers of lives changed. I want my ego to be stroked and people to tell me I did wonderful things and for me to be noticed and appreciated because only if we can see tangible, actionable difference than has a difference been made. Right? Isn’t that what we have been taught? But surprise surprise that isn’t reality in the Peace Corps, at least my own experience in the Peace Corps and the experiences of many of my fellow volunteers.
I am realizing though, as my service trudges on, the success of a Peace Corps service has very little to do with any of this at all. The heart of it all is the relationships we make, the friendships we build along the way and the work comes secondary. It comes after everything else because that said work is so dependent on the everything else. My kids and my community members often serve as my reminders of this. When I am locked away in my house trying to finish a project and my kids are at my door screaming for me to come hangout with them, the project can most likely wait. Being with them, getting to know them and giving them myself- my TLC- will only build a better foundation for the work we want to accomplish together as a community. And so in this new year, I want the work to wait more often. That is my New Year’s resolution.
And so before I left, I took photos of the people most important to me in my community- well, most of them, at least. These people are the families and co-workers that have made my time here joyful and wonderful and worth it, that have made the hard days more bearable and the loneliness seem farther away. Because most people in my community have very few printed photos of themselves and their loved ones, I thought this would be an easy but special gift I could give them as a way to show my love and appreciation for taking me in and loving me like one of their own, and selfishly hoping that if I leave them physical photos, memories captured, kodak moments that it will be a lot harder for them to forget me when I am gone. And these photos will be a constant reminder to me for what really matters and where success in service really lies -and of course, it is with these adorable faces.
You can find a handful of these precious moments below.
I hope you enjoy them!
-Jordan
Development of Self: A Peace Corps Story 